“There Is No Good Way to Say This”: Why Asking About Suicide Matters

There is no good way to say this. And yet, we must say it: Sometimes children think about dying. Sometimes they wish they were dead. Sometimes they plan how to make that happen.

And if we are worried, we need to ask.

In the wake of Yiyun Li’s harrowing and exquisitely written essay, “A Matter of Facts,” I am left aching not only as a psychiatrist and psychotherapist, but as a parent, a reader, and a human being. Her words bring into focus the brutal paradox of loving and losing a child to suicide. But they also draw our attention to a quieter truth—one we do not talk about enough: Too many people are afraid to ask the question.

“Did I have a fleeting thought that I should have checked in with James to see if he felt suicidal? I can’t answer that question now, because on this side of death no answer can be trusted.”– Yiyun Li

That line gutted me. Because the truth is, asking someone if they’re thinking about suicide does not increase risk. In fact, it can open a door—a door that shame or fear might otherwise keep closed. But still, people hesitate. Parents. Teachers. Friends. Clinicians. We worry about saying the wrong thing, “planting the idea,” or making it worse. We are scared to break the illusion of normalcy, of hope.

But hope that depends on silence is not real hope.

What We Know

• Asking about suicide does not cause suicide.Evidence shows that asking someone directly can decrease their distress and reduce risk. It communicates care, concern, and a willingness to talk about hard things.

• Talking saves lives.People who are thinking about suicide often feel isolated. Just one person asking—with compassion, without judgment—can interrupt that aloneness.

• It’s okay to use the word.Say the word “suicide.” Say “Are you thinking about hurting yourself?” Say “Have you been having thoughts about not wanting to be alive?” Say “Do you feel safe right now?” Say “What helps you get through the hardest moments?”

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be real.

What Gets in the Way

We like to believe that if we just do everything “right,” the worst won’t happen. If we love our kids enough, stay involved, keep them in therapy, feed them well, structure their time, believe in their gifts—they’ll be okay. But as Li’s writing reminds us, life doesn’t always follow that logic.

Her sons were brilliant, sensitive, and loved deeply. They were not neglected. They were not unloved. Their deaths are not the result of a lack of care—but rather a reminder that despair can run deep, even in the most connected of lives.

What We Can Do

• Normalize asking.We ask about grades, friends, sports, even screen time. We can also ask: “Have you been feeling so sad that you don’t want to be here?”

• Trust your concern.If something feels off, speak it. You can say, “I may be way off, but I just want to check—have you had any thoughts of wanting to die?”

• Don’t fear the answer.If the answer is yes, take a breath. Stay calm. Say thank you. Let them know they’re not in trouble, and they’re not alone. You don’t have to solve it. You just have to stay with them and get help.

• Keep checking in.One conversation is not enough. Mental health ebbs and flows. Keep the door open. Keep asking.

We will not prevent every tragedy. But we can prevent some.

If we are to build a culture where people feel safe naming their pain, we must teach ourselves—and each other—to say the unsayable. To ask the unaskable. To believe our loved ones are worth listening to, even when what they say is terrifying.

And to remember: There may be no good way to say it, but there is a right time to ask. And that time is now.

If you or someone you love is struggling with suicidal thoughts, you are not alone. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available 24/7. Call or text 988 for free, confidential support.